It has been a very long time since I posted last.
I'm in graduate school, pursuing my master's in English, and I am busier and more stressed than ever. I have gained a lot of weight and I am not happy at all with my body. While this was going, I was doing great. I was running and exercising every day. Now, I find it very hard to get up in the morning because of all the work I have to do.
I don't really know how to get back into working out. I want to pick up running again and I want to work out every single day like I used to. One of my biggest issues is hunger. I am hungry all the damn time. It doesn't matter what I eat or how much of it, I am hungry very soon after. I've started taking an appetite suppressant, and that has helped a little, but not enough. I'm getting to the point where I really dislike food. I dislike eating. I've never been this way. I've always loved food and I've always enjoyed eating, but now that I am so busy and tired, I don't want to eat. It feel it takes away from precious homework time. I know that eating is very important to living a healthy lifestyle, but what happens when everything you eat doesn't work? What about then? I don't know what to do and I don't know how to handle it.
Another issue I have is fatigue. I wake up in the morning feeling just as tired as when I went to bed and I'm tired for most of the day. I don't want to do homework or lesson plan or clean or exercise because I just want to sleep. All day. Every day. For maybe the rest of my life. I know that depression runs in my family, and I've been depressed before, so I know that I am most likely depressed. I am far from home and my roommate, who was the best roommate I've ever had, moved out recently due to some life changes and I'm now living alone. It's new and different, and I kind of like it, however I'm lonely. I don't get out much because of my busy lifestyle and I know I'll feel guilty if I go out without all my homework being done. I don't have anyone to vent to who will really understand what I'm going through. That's what was nice in having a roommate who was a graduate student. Now, I come home to a messy apartment that I am too lazy to clean and nothing else. It doesn't give me much to feel motivated about.
I am stressed all the time. I am stressed about homework, about my teaching, about the fact I feel like I haven't made very many close friends, about being in a long distance relationship, about gaining weight, about being hungry all the time, about my messy apartment, about not accomplishing anything, about distancing myself from God, about my jeans not fitting. And probably a lot more. I don't know how to handle this stress. It overwhelms me just about every day and I find myself bursting into tears maybe every other day. I haven't found a church here because it's very hard to find one when you're so busy. I would like to say that's an excuse, but I fear that it's not. I should post what my week looks like on average sometime.
I hope that by turning back to this blog I will find some of my old motivation and get back on track. I don't know. Nothing so far has helped. It's very, very difficult and I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to. I know that my family will not understand and will just say that grad school is supposed to push you, or something like that. My friends who aren't in grad school will be sympathetic and caring and encouraging, but for some reason, that doesn't help me. And, now that I live on my own, I don't have that one person who I can vent to and who can help me through this. I didn't realize how much I relied on those interactions until now. And, yes, I have made friends here, but we're all so busy and I am so introverted that I don't actually want to go out to a bar to hang out. I want to say in in my PJs, maybe some wine, and some good food. I want to be able to vent to someone.
So, tomorrow, I am going to post my workout. I am going to post every workout until I get back on track and then some. I think I really need this to help me from spiraling down. I mean, really, what can it hurt?
Here I go!
Kelly-Rae
